Uke or Seme?
by FailingDemi
Summary: Uke or Seme' the book read. And curiosity got the best of each host, and they flipped open the book to see questions sitting inside.
1. Kaoru

A/N: Sorry. Was bored. I know I have Seven Days, Accidental Bubblegum, and Kami, You're Annoying to finish. But I JUST had to post this because I was bored right out of my wits! Anyways, here you go! A string of oneshots. Seven chaps in all I guess.

Disclaimer: Don't own. Unbeta'd.

* * *

Uke or Seme?

* * *

'Uke or Seme?' the book read. And curiosity got the best of each host, and they flipped open the book to see questions sitting inside.

* * *

Courtesy of the person who had created the 'Are You a Seme or an Uke?' quiz on Rum and Monkey. I altered questions or have removed much, but the idea of each question belongs to the creator.

* * *

_-Click-_

* * *

A light-brown headed boy was sitting on the couch very late at night. He was bored to wits; his brother had already fallen asleep. This boy went by the name of Hitachiin Kaoru, and he was currently sitting on a couch and he was swamped in ideas of what he should do the next day at the Host Club.

He could hear his twin brother snore softly on his lap. Kaoru sighed contently as he stroked his brother's dark black hair absently. 'I wonder what the script should be tomorrow…'

They were stuck on their idea, and that forced them to travel to their old library. It was kept clean, and kept its Victorian style. The twins were lying on couch, one awake, the other asleep. The fancy lamp standing next to the couch was lit and illuminated the room with a soft golden glow.

Kaoru felt the need to get off the couch and search for something that would at least contribute to his thoughts of tomorrow. He struggled with getting his mirror image off of his lap and onto the soft cushion of the couch. He walked over to a dusty bookshelf and ran his index finger along the shelves.

Dust coated it.

And as he walked along boringly, his foot came in contact with something on the ground. What can it be? This library, so orderly and kept by the maids every day, had a book lying unnoticed on the floor.

He gently picked it up and saw to it that it was dusty. 'Dusty?'

On the cover written with a blazing orange permanent marker it contradicted the deep green color and it read:** Uke or Seme?**

Curiosity poked at him, and he opened the book and looked at the text located on the first page. In threatening bolded letters it screamed:

**Take this test…if you dare. **

Kaoru was feeling slightly bored and he walked back over to the couch. He moved Hikaru so that he could gain back his seat and he tapped a pen against his chin. 'What is this supposed to be?'

He turned onto the next page and one question haunted it.

The Basics: What is your name?

'_Hitachiin Kaoru.'_

To his surprise, his answer disappeared, and replacing it was yet another question.

Who 'completes' you?

Kaoru blinked. Who completes him? He glanced at Hikaru who had his index finger tucked in between his lips. The younger twin smiled at his brother and clicked the pen several times and wrote down.

'_Hitachiin_ _Hikaru.'_

Again it disappeared. Kaoru was wondering what kind of notebook this was. But curiosity prodded him on.

**1. Okay…since we figured who you are…Do you like licking things?**

Kaoru stared. Did he like licking anything? He blinked and looked up at the ceiling as if it contained an answer for him. Sadly the ceiling contained nothing more but plaster and whatever that brown thing was.

But anyways…

' _I guess…not…'_

**2. Do you enjoy being used as a toy?**

A toy? Kaoru never really thought about it. Well. Haruhi was a good toy for both of them. 'But this is directed to me…not us,' Kaoru thought as he bit his lower lip. His thoughts then went to some 'embarrassing' times.

'_Not really.'_

**3. Have you ever tied someone up?**

Would he? He…himself…alone. No…he would never, unless Hikaru was doing it with him.

Kaoru thought.

'_Yeah.'_

**4. Have YOU ever been tied up?**

'…_No…'_

**5. Would you feel bothered if you took advantage of your partner?**

Kaoru felt a blush settle on his face. What did this book mean by taking advantage of his partner?! Wait…so his partner was Hikaru?

Some disturbing images came into his mind, and he shook it away.

'_I would never…'_ Kaoru wrote, he paused to summon up the next wrods. 'Do such a thing. How nasty…Hikaru's my brother, why would I-'

He found that it disappeared.

**6. Do you like alcohol?**

'_Never really drank it before…'_

**7. How do you eat your ice cream? **

Kaoru was starting to get freaked out by the questions that the notebook was inquiring him. How scary. Why was it like this? His hand was trembling, he was wondering what on earth could he possibly put down.

'_I use the plastic spoons they give out and eat it.'_

**8. What gift would you give your partner?**

'What gift? Does he really need a gift?' Kaoru asked himself, as he tapped his cheek with the pen. He knew what Hikaru wanted and what he liked. What would be the best gift to give the guy who practically knows what he wants? His mind clicked.

'_Brotherly affection.'_

**9. What's your ideal pet to have?**

Pet? Kaoru never really liked pets, neither did Hikaru.

'_Nothing.'_

**10. You must order at a restaurant, how do you order?**

'_Just get my food.'_

**11. The waiter/waitress brought the wrong dish to you. Your response? **

Kaoru WAS one of the high classed people. If the server brought the wrong dish, tch, he'd go and fire him. Or give a complaint. But then Kaoru had a heart for the poor guy and decided to write down:

'_Settle and eat what I receive.'_

**12. Someone is checking out your partner. Your course of action?**

Check out? Does that mean some person would be staring at Hikaru? Kaoru felt his fists clenched. Hikaru may be the overprotective one, but Kaoru had HIS share of being protective of his stupid and dense identical twin.

'_Sock her.'_

**13. Do you find yourself on the top or bottom? **

Speechless. Kaoru was speechless. He flipped back to the cover and finally understood what the whole test was about! My, was he stupid enough to write his own personal things. His orange pen hovered over the paper. He knew what this was…

And his truthful answer…was…

'_Bottom.'_

It then disappeared.

A block of words appeared.

**You…are…Hitachiin Kaoru, and your lover is Hitachiin Hikaru. You hate being a toy, so it's natural that your lover is the one whom you toy with. It's clear when you tie up your lover, but you, yourself, do not get tied. When you take advantage of your partner, you would never feel guilty about it and continue living on with your life. **

Kaoru stared.

**The best gift that you would give your partner is yourself, because affection is all your lover needs from you. You are never the picky one and if anyone dares look at your partner, you will take immediate course of violent action. **

Grim lines settled on his head as he gaped speechless at the notebook. Another set of words appeared underneath that paragraph.

**You are an undercover seme who really acts like an uke. You plan to take action on your partner…**

"Mmn, Kaoru?"

…**when he's most unaware…**

(How true…)

"What are you doing?" he mumbled, blindly patting Kaoru on the shoulder. The awake Hitachiin jerked at the action and immediately closed the book.

"Uhm, i-it's nothing!" Kaoru exclaimed. "Go back to sleep!"

"…Whatever you say…" the twin murmured before collapsing onto Kaoru's lap again. Slowly, the younger brother opened the notebook page and saw that another line of words appeared.

**You will be struck by misfortune no sooner than soon. By the way, stay clear of banana peels.**

Kaoru sank in his seat and stared at it.

'…eh…what?'

--The next morning…

Later on in the morning of the very next day, Kaoru was walking down the street when suddenly he slipped on a banana peel and flopped all over his brother who _happened _to catch him. Flustered by the sudden action, Kaoru jumped off him, unaware that there were more banana peels waiting for his foot to land.

The Hitachiin twin skidded his way on that single peel, and crashed into the trash cans and alley ways, whirling out of control on the skin of the banana.

And he was sent to the hospital, screaming something about a blasted _porno_ book, not knowing that the same 'blasted _porno_ book' somehow made its way to Hikaru's hands.

* * *

A/N: Questions may be different each round! And Kaoru just HAD to be the first victim. -coughcough-

Anyways! Time for shameless advertising time! -dances-

_And for my shameless advertising! (You'll be seeing me put up the SAME thing, cus I'm lazy. -Hehehe...-_

_Anyways. Guys. I shall ask a really **big** favor from you. Can you guys click on my name, and read what is listed at the very top? There's a linky to a Ouran forum that I helped make, and it would completely make me happy if some people joined it and post regularly. There's a cool way of RPGing too! Canon characters can be played, and the way its organized it really awesome, so check it out please! It's not like I'm forcing you to join-- -COUGH**JOINDAMMIT**COUGH- So yeah! -innocent smile-_

_--End of Shameless ads._

Anyways! Reveiw! And wait eagerly for the next chapter!

-Until Later--

--Demi-kun.


	2. Hikaru

A/N: Hey all! Thanks for the reveiws that you guys have given to the first chapter! -If you do check your email, you will see that I have sent some replies- Anyways, to clear up some confusion.

_"It's clear when you tie up your lover, but you, yourself, do not get tied. When you take advantage of your partner, you would never feel guilty about it and continue living on with your life." **that's a lie D8 though Kaoru said he'd never take advange of his lover, but.. why the result is like this?** Well.. at least you wrote Kaoru's on bottom. :D_

To anonymous reveiwer: What Kaoru written down is used against him. He didn't know what the book was about, so he just wrote it down. The book took his answers and used it against him, yes.

So although Kaoru is innocent, the book used his answers and turned against him. (Also releasing its misfortune on him.)

Disclaimer: Don't own. Unbeta'd.

--Key Glossary:

"Normal speaking."

'Normal thinking.'

**Questions asked by book.**

_'This is answer written by person.'_

'This is answer written by previous person.'

* * *

'Uke or Seme?' the book read. And curiosity got the best of each host, and they flipped open the book to see questions sitting inside.

* * *

Courtesy of the person who had created the 'Are You a Seme or an Uke?' quiz on Rum and Monkey. I altered questions or have removed much, but the idea of each question belongs to the creator.

* * *

_-Click-_

* * *

The teenager with dark ash hair sat besides his brother who was hospitalized. He had skipped school to accompany his younger twin who was sleeping on the hospital bed, unconscious. There were some ugly bruises sitting on his brother's marred skin, but what he was concerned about were the colorful language that spouted from his twin's mouth when he was going on that banana peel joy ride.

Surely, Kaoru wasn't swearing at him! But, if he had just held on Kaoru a bit longer, then maybe his twin wouldn't have crashed into the buckets of garbage. And when he was chasing after Kaoru, careful enough to dodge the peels, he slipped on a book and landed on his behind.

Right now, his hands were holding a certain deep forest green book that had bright orange letters carved into it: **Uke or Seme?**

Hikaru looked at the front and then at the back of the book. Surely there should be some kind of summary in it. Finally after struggling to find some _kind_ of summary, he flipped open the book.

Sitting in the lines of the notebook were the menacing words:

**Hey you! Stop looking stupid like that and take out a pen!**

He twitched.

What a rude, rude book! However, he was curious and he did what the book had told him. Hikaru dug in his school bag and pulled out a mechanical pencil. Once he turned back to the first page of the book, the rude remark was replaced with a question.

The Basics: What is your name?

Hikaru didn't feel like wondering what happened to the first page, instead he answered the question in a messy scribble: _'Hitachiin Hikaru.'_

Appearing underneath were the words: 'Hitachiin Kaoru.'

"Eh? Kaoru did this too?" he asked himself aloud, before giving a glance at the sleeping twin on the bed. Hikaru blinked before turning back to the notebook.

To his surprise, the two answers disappeared, and replacing it was yet another question.

Who is your other half?

Hikaru chirped, "Kaoru!"

"Nn," said person groaned as he shifted in bed. Hikaru slapped a hand over his mouth, chiding himself for being too loud. Noiselessly, he scribbled Kaoru's name onto the neat lined note paper:

'_Hitachiin Kaoru.'_

Again, appearing underneath his answer were the words: 'Hitachiin Hikaru.'

"Aww…" he hummed.

**1. Okay…since we figured who you are…Do you like licking things?**

He tapped himself. Now does he? He likes licking ice cream…he likes licking maple syrup—

Heck. Licking is part of his every day life.

So.

'_Yeah.'_

' I guess…not…'

Hikaru gasped. How could Kaoru NOT like licking things?!

**2. Do you enjoy being used as a toy?**

Toy…? Yes, he was familiar with the terms of having a toy, but being one? Hikaru wasn't sure at all. A thought fluttered into his mind and he perked up, as he begun to wrote in a long sentence:

'_I don't really like being a toy, but I like toying around with Haruhi and milord. Especially milord. He's so fun to tease.'_

'Not really.'

**3. Have you ever tied someone up?**

'_Yes! Always! Always have a bundle of duct tape and rope around to tie up the bad people! Especially milord.'_ he scribbled in with a large smile on his face.

'Yeah.'

**4. Have YOU ever been tied up?**

'_Technically…no…never.'_

'…No…'

**5. Would you feel bothered if you took advantage of your partner?**

Hikaru stupidly stared at the question; the tip of his led pencil was brushing over the note paper in a hesitant manner. Took advantage…of Kaoru? He blinked.

'_Never would I' _What? Hikaru stopped suddenly. Never would he what? Never would he strip his brother down to the bare—

'I would never…'

A blush sprang up on Hikaru's face as his eyes watched Kaoru's answer fade into the sheet of paper. He flailed his hands at him. "Kaoru! I know you're asleep but don't think that you're getting away with this!" he whispered hoarsely. He whipped around, smacking himself in the face with the book. 'How could he think that way?'

**6. Do you like alcohol?**

'_No.'_

'Never really drank it before…'

**7. How do you eat your ice cream?**

What kind of question is that? Surely it would stick on one topic before moving onto the next. But this notebook just swung from one topic to the other! No connections whatsoever! He shoved the complaints to the back of his mind and scribbled onto the paper.

'_Lick it! I like the chocolate flavored kind. :3 Yum.'_

'I use the plastic spoons they give out and eat it.'

**8. What gift would you give your partner?**

What would Kaoru like? He pondered a while before energetically writing down:

'_A big hug.'_

'Brotherly affection.' 

**9. What's your ideal pet to have?**

Hikaru's face scrunched up and he hastily scribbled down:

'_Hate it. Too much pet hair.'_

'Nothing.'

**10. You must order at a restaurant, how do you order?**

'_Wave the guy over, and if he/she doesn't pay attention—chuck the menu at them until they wander over.'_

'Just get my food.'

**11. The waiter/waitress brought the wrong dish to you. Your response? **

Hikaru was a rich bastard, and when someone would bring him the wrong dish, it was expected of him to criticize them. But then again, he would leave the criticizing to his mother or father. But what would he do?

Randomly, Hikaru scribbled:

'_Smack him hard, smack him well.'_

'Settle and eat what I receive.'

**12. Someone is checking out your partner. Your course of action?**

Check…who? What? Partner? Oh. Would that mean someone would be staring at Kaoru and stealing his brother away?! Hikaru twitched, the lead almost broke when it hit the surface. Truly if he caught someone staring—

'_BITCH SLAAAP!! XO'_

'Sock her.'

Hikaru nodded in agreement.

**13. Do you find yourself on the top or bottom? **

There was a strange pause. Eh? What? _What_? Color drained from his face. What the— He looked at the cover, the beautiful orange words: **Uke or Seme** was just…blinding and _spiting_ him. Hikaru hesitated as he really thought.

Usually he was on the top. Even in the twincest act. He swallowed, hoping that this was just a joke...

'_Top.'_

'Bottom.' 

Everything disappeared and a giant block of text appeared on the page in neat typewritten handwriting.

**You…are…Hitachiin Hikaru, and your partner in love is Hitachiin Kaoru. You hate being a toy, and you love toying around with other people, possibly to have your lover beg for your play. You always spite your lover by tying other people up, causing your partner to yearn for the same treatment. And when it's time for you to take advantage of your partner, guilt would fly away from you like no tomorrow.**

Hikaru stared flabbergasted.

**The best gift that you would give your partner is a warm hug, because all your lover needs is you. You are picky and haughty when it comes to getting what you want, and if anyone dares look at or talk to your partner, you will take immediate course of violent action, possibly causing a serious fight. **

Hikaru's mouth was still open. Another sentence appeared onto the notepaper.

**You are a teasing seme who really loves provoking your lover. You have plans up your sleeves, and you will drop subtle hints to agonize your partner who is needy…**

Hikaru stared.

**You will be struck by misfortune no sooner than soon. By the way, stay clear of nurses.**

Silence.

He flung his hands into the air and screamed: "NOT TRUE! NOT TRUE!! THIS BOOK IS CURSED, I SAY, **CURSED**!!"

* * *

That same day, Hikaru ran out of the room that Kaoru was confined in. He was oh so determined to burn the book that brought a curse to his life. Unbeknownst to him, he was walking himself to a doom trap, for before he even ran out the front doors to the hospital, he crashed into a passing party of nurses.

The nurses shrieked and spilled whatever they were carrying, (which was probably lunch), and Hikaru tripped over a cart that a woman happened to push around the corner. He skidded onto the marble, with spaghetti sauce and meatballs staining his clothes, and he lay crumpled on the floor.

The green notebook was flipped out of his hands and landed on top of a cardboard box that was being transported to the company in charge of all the medical supplies. As Hikaru was being attended by the nurse, he was diagnosed as 'crazy' for he kept murmuring something about a cursed book that brings misfortune.

As the cardboard box was delivered, a certain black-haired teenager picked it off the surface. The cursed book had now made its way into Kyouya's care.

* * *

A/N: Mwah. As said again, Hikaru's answers are used against him, dears. So it's the book's fault! Not mine! -runs away-

-runs back-

Shameless advertising time!

_And for my shameless advertising! (You'll be seeing me put up the SAME thing, cus I'm lazy. -Hehehe...-_

_Anyways. Guys. I shall ask a really **big** favor from you. Can you guys click on my name, and read what is listed at the very top? There's a linky to a Ouran forum that I helped make, and it would completely make me happy if some people joined it and post regularly. There's a cool way of RPGing too! Canon characters can be played, and the way its organized it really awesome, so check it out please! It's not like I'm forcing you to join-- -COUGH**JOINDAMMIT**COUGH- So yeah! -innocent smile-_

_--End of Shameless ads._

--Until later,

--Demi-kun.


	3. Kyouya

A/N: -sighs- This...was...so...effing amusing! Well. I was speed-writing this. You know, when it comes to writing this, my fingers just keep tapping. It's that awesome. (Yup!) Here is Kyouya's thoughts...bwahahah...I think I was a bit cruel to him in the last part though...

:P

...AH WELLS.

Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Dun own. Unbeta'd.

* * *

'Uke or Seme?' the book read. And curiosity got the best of each host, and they flipped open the book to see questions sitting inside.

* * *

Courtesy of the person who had created the 'Are You a Seme or an Uke?' quiz on Rum and Monkey. I altered questions or have removed much, but the idea of each question belongs to the creator.

* * *

_-Click-_

* * *

"Here you go, sign your name here," a man said, handing a clipboard to the teenager who was receiving the many boxes. The raven-head boy took the board and scribbled his signature onto the line.

"Thanks for your delivery," he said automatically, handing the clipboard back to the man. His raven eyes slid to the boxes full of medical supplies; the hospital had sent for these to be delivered elsewhere.

"Please move these inside," he said to one of his guards, his hands signaling the inside of the current pharmacy. He wandered over to one of the boxes, and saw that a green notebook was sitting on top of the cardboard. Curiosity prodded him and he plucked it off.

'What's this doing here?' he asked himself. Bright smoldering orange letters read: **Uke or Seme? **

He stared at the book, and walked towards the building. He climbed the three steps and opened the door to the bustling lobby inside. Kyouya walked into the cool rush of the air conditioner and he seated himself onto a leather bench; he inspected the book, wondering what it contained.

Kyouya's curiosity poked him to no end, and he opened the book onto the first page. In neat type written words, it read:

**Well what are you waiting for?! Get a pen out!**

He blinked, before slowly closing the book.

Okay, he'll pretend he didn't see that…

…but it's oh so…_tempting_—

Kyouya grabbed it and opened it up again:

**I'm wai-ting. Get a dang pen already!**

'Eh…what?' he thought. A book couldn't just…change its words like that! Maybe it was just a trick of the eye? Whatever the book was, Kyouya figured, he could figure it out by getting a pen and doing what it says.

Once he pulled a pen out from his pocket, the words had disappeared.

The Basics: What is your name?

He blinked before writing neatly, _'Ohtori Kyouya.'_

A messy scrawl appeared underneath his answer: 'Hitachiin Hikaru.'

'Hmm? It seems as though Hikaru had done this before,' he thought. Kyouya wasn't sure whether or not the book was just playing with him or not. He shrugged and looked back down to the answers…which had disappeared suddenly, only to be replaced with another question.

Who do you spend a lot of time with?

Kyouya's eye twitched. Of course. _Of course_, it was that stupid blonde—Tamaki! Every frickin moment _wasted_ whenever with that dolt head. The Ohtori nodded to himself silently. Yes, Tamaki was the one who he, unfortunately, spends time with.

'_Suoh Tamaki.'_

'Hitachiin Kaoru.'

'Not surprising,' Kyouya thought, watching the two answers fade into the lined paper of the notebook.

**1. Okay…since we figured who you are…Do you like licking things?**

His glasses gleamed menacingly. What the hell did it mean that he liked licking things?

'_No.'_

'Yeah.'

'Interesting.'

Kyouya pushed up his glasses and he took out his own black notebook. He gave his finger a small lick before flipping to the appropriate page in his notebook. He clicked the pen several times before jotting onto the page:

'Hitachiin Hikaru likes licking things.'

**2. Do you enjoy being used as a toy?**

No, a toy…never. He could understand being used for merits and benefits, but being used as a toy? Oh ho-ho-ho, he'd love to see someone try.

'_No.'_

'I don't really like being a toy, but I like toying around with Haruhi and milord. Especially milord. He's so fun to tease.'

'Hn. Typical,' Kyouya noted, scribbling the piece of info into his black notebook.

**3. Have you ever tied someone up?**

'_No.'_

'Yes! Always! Always have a bundle of duct tape and rope around to tie up the bad people! Especially milord.'

Kyouya blinked, and he jotted down: 'Has weird obsession with torturing Tamaki.'

**4. Have YOU ever been tied up?**

The Shadow King snorted. He? Tied up? Tch, never. No one ever had the nerve to lay a finger on him (except that stupid friend of his). He arrogantly smiled, as he wrote down:

'_I'd like to see someone try.'_

He switched notebooks anticipating the answer the answer that would appear:

'Technically…no…never.'

He found the thought: 'Typical' run across his mind once more.

**5. Would you feel bothered if you took advantage of your partner?**

Took advantage of what? Kyouya blinked.

Eh? Kyouya's pen tip did not lay a single mark on the page—

**In other words, would you feel bothered if you took advantage of the person who you spend a lot of time with?**

Oh. Kyouya nodded slightly. The book was talking about Tamaki. He tapped his chin and thought. He always took advantage of Tamaki, predicting the idiot's move and using it against him.

A sadistic smile came to his face.

'_No, I wouldn't. I never do.'_

'Never would I'

Kyouya's eyebrows raised a fraction. 'Oh really?'

**6. Do you like alcohol?**

'_Never drank.'_

'No.'

**7. How do you eat your ice cream?**

How strange the question was. It skipped from topic to topic. He wondered if all the questions were tied in together to form…_something_. Kyouya never had eaten ice cream if he did, he would just…

'_Bite…it…'_

'Lick it! I like the chocolate flavored kind. :3 Yum.'

He found himself rolling his eyes at Hikaru's immature response.

**8. What gift would you give your partner?**

'_Anything would make him happy.'_

'A big hug.'

'Again, typical.'

**9. What's your ideal pet to have?**

A pet? Kyouya never did care for pets, mainly dogs. They get in the way of work, especially when he would have to pick after it if it…_unloaded_ somewhere in the house...unpreferably...his bed. And they probably would smell like…a wet dog.

'_Dogs are troublesome. It'd die before a week passes.'_

'Hate it. Too much pet hair.'

**10. You must order at a restaurant, how do you order?**

'_Wait for the waiter or waitress to come to my table.'_

'Wave the guy over, and if he/she doesn't pay attention—chuck the menu at them until they wander over.'

Kyouya's raven orbs stared at Hikaru's answer and he wrote down: 'To spare the embarrassment, do not dine with Hitachiins.'

**11. The waiter/waitress brought the wrong dish to you. Your response? **

'_Call for their manager and complain, hopefully get him/her fired. I wouldn't care.'_

'Smack him hard, smack him well.'

His pen wandered to Hikaru's profile in his book: 'Again, do not dine with Hitachiins.'

**12. Someone is checking out your partner. Your course of action?**

Someone checking out Tamaki? Well…that would happen since Tamaki is such a handsome person. But Tamaki's affairs are Tamaki's affairs and not his. Kyouya boringly wrote onto the paper:

'_Nothing.'_

'BITCH SLAAAP!! XO'

He sweat dropped at the immaturity of the Hitachiin twin. Kyouya sighed, and his hand went back to the page; he crossed out the 'do not' and wrote: '_NEVER_ dine with Hitachiins.'

**13. Do you find yourself on the top or bottom?**

Kyouya stared stupidly (if that was possible) at the question. Top…bottom? What kind of book asked such a question?! He flipped back to the cover, the words that he oh-so ignored screamed in his face: **Uke or Seme?**

He blinked. His mind registered and he digested what it had said.

'Oh.'

He pushed up his glasses. Now back to the question. Of course all men were on the top. And if a boy isn't on top—

--he's gay. Yes, people, G-A-Y.

However, Kyouya wasn't gay…

What?

Stop staring at the screen like that!

He _isn't_.

…or so he thinks he isn't.

And so, the Ohtori put the pen onto the notebook and wrote:

'_Top.'_

'Top.'

The two mimicking words disappeared, and instead of another question, a large block of bolded sentences appeared.

**You…are…Ohtori Kyouya, and your partner in love is Suoh Tamaki. You hate being a toy, and you love playing around with people of this world. You're an intimidating person, never tying up people and you dare others to even try to dish out the same treatment. And when push comes to shove, and when you have to take advantage of your partner, you wouldn't feel bothered.**

If it was possible, his glasses cracked.

**The best gift that you would give to your partner is anything, because any gift from you means the world to your lover. You are patient when it comes to getting the things you want, and if anyone aims a look at your partner, you would do nothing for you know that your partner is loyal to you. **

He stared.

**You are a first-degree sadistic seme. You just love torturing your lover, don't you? But you never go to the extreme extent, where your partner would scream in agony. You pretend to not care, yet you care deeply, hiding your true emotions well.**

His eyes twitched, and he seethed, 'Oh, is that so?'

**You will be struck by misfortune no sooner than soon. By the way, beware of cardboard boxes.**

He shook his head, and snapped the book closed. What the hell was up with this stupid book? Kyouya stood up, and began to walk outside. After all, he had to continue supervising the loading of the medical supplies. Kyouya emerged from the cool building; his eyes wandered to the stack of boxes sitting in front of the steps.

He made a mental note to tell the people to move the boxes elsewhere. Kyouya pushed up his glasses, noticing the scratched lens.

Ah…that's right. His glasses cracked. He pulled it off from his face and looked inspected it.

'Tch. I knew they were cheap—'

"Kyouya-sama!"

His head snapped up to see the blurry outline of his guard, Tachibana. Kyouya blinked, before he felt something angular jab at his back. In a not so fluid motion, he was pushed towards the stack of glass medical supplies.

Unfortunately in his way, before he could stable himself, he tripped over a fallen, empty cardboard box.

CRASH.

His landing wasn't 10…in fact it was ranked as a -9.

...Yes people...a **-9.**

Broken glass and metal plates and whatnots spilled from an open cardboard box. Kyouya crumpled onto the ground, his eyes clenched tightly in pain. The glass and metal things inside of the box surely had broken his bones.

He only murmured several words, and they were recorded to be: "Damn book…"

As his guards tended to him, and as present doctors rushed to his aid, the notebook had spilled out of his grasp, and collapsed onto the ground, next to a cardboard box and a mess of spilled metal-ware.

A delivery man pulled all the spilled goods into the cardboard box and grabbed the book, tossing it in before taping it shut with duct tape. The box was going to be sent to an apartment's pharmacy store, the apartment being owned by the Suoh. Unknowingly, this misery-bringing book would soon end up in the hands of a very unfortunate blonde.

* * *

A/N: Ohohoho. I think I was a bit too rough with him. (I mean chucking him at glass is bad enough...) Ah well...I hope you guys liked it! AND!!

YES! YES! IT'S ADVERTISING TIME!!

_And for my shameless advertising! (You'll be seeing me put up the SAME thing, cus I'm lazy. -Hehehe...-_

_Anyways. Guys. I shall ask a really **big** favor from you. Can you guys click on my name, and read what is listed at the very top? There's a linky to a Ouran forum that I helped make, and it would completely make me happy if some people joined it and post regularly. There's a cool way of RPGing too! Canon characters can be played, and the way its organized it really awesome, so check it out please! It's not like I'm forcing you to join-- -COUGH**JOINDAMMIT**COUGH- So yeah! -innocent smile-_

_Oh. And please be active._

_--End of Shameless ads._

Oh yes. Please stay active, joining is one thing, but staying active is another. -smiles- Please support this newly-found Ouran forum!

--Demi-kun.


	4. Tamaki

Uke or Seme?

* * *

'Uke or Seme?' the book read. And curiosity got the best of each host, and they flipped open the book to see questions sitting inside.

* * *

Courtesy of the person who had created the 'Are You a Seme or an Uke?' quiz on Rum and Monkey. I altered questions or have removed much, but the idea of each question belongs to the creator.

* * *

_-Click- _

* * *

A blonde was putting on his uniform, slipping his tie into place, and he stared at the mirror in front of himself. He smiled to himself, and whisked around to face the apartment room that he was currently staying in due to his Father's work.

Someone walked into his room, and he turned around slightly to face the man.

"Hey, Tamaki, isn't this one of your school notebooks?" the intruder asked, holding a green notebook. Tamaki perked up, and he received the book from his brown-haired father. He examined the empty-covered dark forest notebook.

"Yeah, this is my vocabulary book," the blonde chimed, holding it up. "Thanks, Otousan."

The middle-aged man rubbed his chin and laughed. "Ahh, Tamaki...I remember how forgetful you used to be…I always had to drop off your books at the school because you've always left them at home." He smirked evilly. "And I thought you have grown up."

"Otousan!" he yelled. A fist came to his head—

WHAM.

"Ohoho! Don't call me that," Yuzuru laughed, and he pranced away leaving the blonde twitching on the floor. "Get ready for school, Tamaki. The limousine isn't going to wait for you, you know!"

* * *

Suoh Tamaki sat in the back seat of the car; the green notebook was in his hand. He watched the scenery go by and something clicked in his head. Oh yeah…he had a vocabulary test that day…he should study. The blonde glanced at the notebook and something that didn't belong there…was there.

Bright, attention-grabbing orange letters read: **Uke or Seme? **

"…eh what's that doing here?" he asked himself. He was sure that there was something called, "Vocabulary" on his green book. He was curious and so he flipped the book open.

**Hi, fool! Get a pen! **

"HAHAHA."

"Tamaki-sama, is…something wrong?" one of his bodyguards asked, turning slightly from the front seat. Tamaki wiped a tear that came from his eye and he held up the book in his hands so the guard could see it.

"For a moment there I thought the book was calling me a fool."

The bodyguard stared at the words, big and bold, that lay on the page: **Now, isn't he a stupid, stupid head, oh you pitiful bodyguard? **

"Ah…fine, I'll get a pen," Tamaki said to himself, and he withdrew the book from the guard. The blonde rummaged in his bookcase and pulled out a number two pencil. He flipped back to the page and saw the words that called him a fool…gone.

"Hey! Where'd it go?!" he asked, his azure eyes frantically searched the page, and something appeared on the 'empty' page.

The Basics: What is your name? 

Tamaki blinked, but obliged: _'Suoh Tamaki.'_

A neat and familiar handwriting appeared underneath his words: 'Ohtori Kyouya.'

"EH?! My mon ami did it too?!" Tamaki gasped out loud before he watched the answers fade into the book. He grabbed it desperately with his two hands and shook it madly, "WAIT! WAIT! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!"

…dear…shut up. Second question: Who do you consider as a very special, special person? 

**"KYOUYA!" **

BEEP. HONK. SCREECH.

The car almost veered into a tree.

"Tamaki-sama, don't surprise us like that!" the chauffer scolded, as he got the car back onto the road. Tamaki murmured a sheepish apology and he wrote onto the lined paper: _'Ohtori Kyouya.'_

Appearing underneath his best friend's name were the words: 'Suoh Tamaki.'

Happy swirls danced around his head, and his eyes gleamed merrily. 'He considers me as a very special, special person!! OMG!'

The words faded…it took a long time for something to pop out, and when it did, it said:

**1. Okay…since we figured who you are…Do you like licking things? **

Licking things? He didn't like licking things. Well sure he liked ice cream…but that really doesn't consider as 'things'. Tamaki tapped his chin and unfortunately…his gaze landed to the chauffer who chided him earlier.

"What do you consider 'things'?"

"What?"

"Things!"

"E-Excuse me, you're not making the question very clear, Tamaki-sama."

"Like…what would you consider 'things'?"

"…I dunno…_stuff._"

"Wise answer!" Tamaki complimented as he returned his attention to the book on his lap. Since he doesn't know what it meant to be licking _things_, he will write no.

_'No.' _

'No.' 

'Like best friends, we have the same answers!'

**2. Do you enjoy being used as a toy? **

A…_what_? If this book meant having Tamaki being toyed around with the twins every single waking moment in the club, then yes. Yes, he didn't like it when the twins like provoking him to spit flame and all that crap.

_'I ab-so-lute-ly hate it! XO' _

'No.' 

**3. Have you ever tied someone up? **

_'Oh, heavens no! I would never bind someone else's being up, besides it gives me rope burns. :3' _

'No.' 

**4. Have YOU ever been tied up? **

Tamaki was shocked and he gaped at the answer. He frowned deeply and scribbled rather nicely:

_'Why of course not! My beautiful self is too—wait…come to think of it…I HAVE been tied up!! o.o Oh my…by Kyouya of course…in fact, everyone was tied up!'_ he scribbled. Tamaki remembered clearly the day when he and the host club had dragged Kyouya out of bed and to the supermarket. Once he found them, he left them abandoned on top of the department building like tied cocoons.

'I'd like to see someone try.' 

**5. Would you feel bothered if you took advantage of your partner? **

_'I would never take advantage of anyone!'_ he wrote. _'It's just simply against my rights! Everyone deserves to play fair; playing dirty is just a no-no!' _

'No, I wouldn't. I never do.' 

Tamaki's jaw dropped and he screamed: "WHAT?!"

"GAH!"

_SCREECH_—

"Sorry!!"

**6. Do you like alcohol? **

_'You see, it's against my policy to drink anything like alcohol! It'll make my precious skin sag, and I'm going to be fat! T-T' _

'Never drank.'

**7. How do you eat your ice cream? **

Tamaki's mind started to swarm with the different types of ice cream. His eyes glittered and he started to drool. There were so many flavors of ice cream; there was a green tea ice cream that he hadn't tried out yet…oh, how delicious—

**…fool! Answer! **

His mind clicked out from the fantasy and he wrote: _'I lick it and savor the wonderful taste. However, cold ice cream makes my stomach unsettled, so I avoid eating it.' _

'Bite…it…' 

**8. What gift would you give your partner? **

Kyouya wasn't a picky person. He was boring! Yes…boring! He could be able to live with a few sparks in his life, here and there. _'Surely, my mon ami will enjoy roses! I would give him a hoard of roses to fill up that dead room! All he has in there is a palm tree anyways! I'll add color to his room—yellow roses, red roses, pink, blue—black!'_ Tamaki energetically wrote.

'Anything would make him happy.' 

"Ah yes...Okaasan knows best!" Tamaki chirped.

**9. What's your ideal pet to have? **

His eyes sparked up. He loved dogs. Antoinette to be precise! She was such a blessing to his life; Antoinette was indeed a great and energetic dog. Tamaki remembered the numerous of funny times when Antoinette was still a puppy.

She had always crapped on his bed, and he would always sit in that shit until the next morning.

…_Ahhh_…the memories…

_'Dogs,'_ he wrote.

'Dogs are troublesome. It'd die before a week passes.' 

Oh he was so flabbergasted!

**10. You must order at a restaurant, how do you order? **

_'Patiently wait until they come over. After all! Rushing the waiters and waitresses may get them to bring the wrong dish.' _

'Wait for the waiter or waitress to come to my table.'

Tamaki nodded confidently. "I whole-heartedly agree!"

**11. The waiter/waitress brought the wrong dish to you. Your response? **

'If they brought the wrong dish, it's okay! I'll have them get the correct dish!'

'Call for their manager and complain, hopefully get him/her fired. I wouldn't care.' 

The blonde gaped. How could his friend have no heart?! Surely he should have such an organ present in the middle of his rib cage!

**12. Someone is checking out your partner. Your course of action? **

Tamaki's face started to stretch with that humongous smile on his face. _'Kyouya _needs_ to be acknowledged! I wouldn't care, because he'll get the attention he so very needs!' _

'Nothing.' 

Tamaki fumed. "AM I NOT WORTHY OF BEING STARED AT?!"

"TAMAKI-SAMA, CAN I KINDLY REQUEST FOR YOU TO SHUT THE HELL UP?! I'M DRIVING OVER HERE!"

"Sorry!"

**13. Do you find yourself on the top or bottom? **

And those words appeared to haunt his mind. What in the world was it talking about? On the top? The bottom? What kind of thing is that?

The words started to warp and reshape it:

**Are you gay or not?! **

"I AM NOT GAY!"

"Heavens, Tamaki-sama, whatever you're saying is...DISTRACTING ME IN MY DRIVING! I MIGHT DRIVE US OFF THE CLIFF, YOU KNOW!"

"Sorry! I'm sorry!" he replied, before directing a confused look towards the question. He wrote in large words:

_'NOT GAY! D: FEAR MY WRATH!' _

'Top.'

The words disappeared and when he thought that this would be over, a large block of bolded words started to appear onto the page.

**You…are…Suoh Tamaki, and your partner in love is Ohtori Kyouya. You really dislike being played around with, so you don't play around with others. You tend to be a very innocent sort, not wanting to hurt someone, emotionally or physically. You would never take advantage of anyone because you believe that life has to be fair, even when it's not. **

Dots of silence…

**The best gift that you would give to your partner are roses, because roses symbolize pure and innocent love, and you wish to drown your partner in an ocean of such love. You are patient and understanding while you are taking action to get what you want. If anyone chances a glance at your partner, you would feel happy that your lover is receiving all the attention that he/she deserves. **

Tamaki's hair started to turn white.

**You are really a pathetic…_downright_ pathetic and romantic seme. You just want to protect your partner, and cuddle with your other half until the end of time. You're always thinking happy, optimistic, and you never think such dirty and perverted thoughts. **

'…I'm...I'm…pathetic…?' Ow, a big blow to his ego.

**Seriously…a whole waste of this book's time. YOU ARE PATHETIC!! –cough- You will be struck by misfortune no sooner than soon. By the way, beware of a wave of toddlers on tricycles. **

"Tamaki-sama, we have arrived," the chauffer sighed. He was finally getting rid of this person who talks to himself!! Tamaki blinked at the book in confusion before closing it. He turned his head towards the window and looked at the enormous clock tower standing from afar.

"Ah…thank you," he said, as the door was opened for him. Tamaki climbed out, his book and his bag tucked underneath his arm. He brushed his flowing blonde bangs out of his face and he gazed up at the school that stood so majestically in the yonder.

The car drove away from behind him and he smiled peacefully to himself.

Misfortune will certainly not strike him, for he's just too pure and handsome and pathetic—

"YAAAADAAAAAA!!"

Tamaki froze. 'Yada?'

A rumble began to shake the ground, and he whipped towards his right. Streaming down from the hill was a flood of yellow-hat-wearing kids rolling down at 0.01 plus mph. He was sure that he'd be road kill, and die on the sidewalk.

Before he could bolt from the sidewalk however, something stuck onto his shoe, and his eyes widened, and he tried to jerk his shiney black shoe off where he stood.

GUM?!

It wasn't letting him go! He's gonna die!! DIE I TELL YOU! DIE!! Tamaki watched in plain horror as the kids kept coming down at such alarming rate of 3 mph and slowly climbing to 200 mph, something that can surely rival a garbage truck! His hands flew to his face as wheels began to run him over. He really needed to protect his face…

"STRIKE, STRIKE, STRIKE!!" they chanted, rolling over him; dirty trail marks ran over his blue blazer, mud that was on the wheels came onto his uniform and his magnificent hair!! The green notebook was tossed about around the little children, and it landed near the bushes.

A small raccoon poked its head out form the bushes, eyed the green notebook and grabbed it with its mouth—

As Tamaki was lying there on the sidewalk while the flood of rebel toddlers kept running him over—

The small raccoon scampered its way towards the senior building, knowing who to give it to.

* * *

A/N: AUthor notes is gonna be short, I'm tired of waiting for this to upload. I'm done with this. (Well...for today. xD) God bless all of you. I don't own, it's unbeta'd. You know the drill, check out my forum and join. Be happy you got an update. Gimme reveiws. Good night.

--Demi-kun.


	5. Mori

A/N: I decided to quit being indecisive and I randomly did an elimination match with my stories, and then I landed on this one. xD Okay, so I'm giving you this. Beware...not as much crack as the usual one. D: GRACK. Sorry?

Disclaimer: dun own and unbeta'd

* * *

'Uke or Seme?' the book read. And curiosity got the best of each host, and they flipped open the book to see questions sitting inside.

* * *

Courtesy of the person who had created the 'Are You a Seme or an Uke?' quiz on Rum and Monkey. I altered questions or have removed much, but the idea of each question belongs to the creator.

* * *

_-Click-_

* * *

A tall senior held his hand to his eyes, blocking the sunlight that poured over the school. He leaned backwards against the railings of the open lanai, and he stared out onto the campus below. It was peaceful and the students of Ouran had yet to spill onto the grounds outside of the buildings.

He was waiting for his cousin who had gone off to run an errand for one of the teachers. He had a lot of time to kill while his companion was helping with something. The teenager quietly looked around.

That was when he spotted a bundle of brown fur lug something green towards the bushes. He peered over the railings, his dark onyx eyes staring intently at the small speck. 'Is that—?' The speck disappeared into the vegetation.

* * *

He was on his knees the next moment, looking into the thick vegetation. Where was that speck of fur? His hands probed the insides of the leaves, and then something furry brushed up his arm and a head emerged.

"Ah? What are you doing here?" he asked as he brought the small raccoon out of the bushes. As he pulled it out, what followed after it was a dark green notebook. "…Eh? What's that?" The raccoon only scampered around the green book. "You want me to take it?"

It ran in circles before darting back into the forest of bushes. He looked at the orange words imprinted into the paper of the green notebook: **Uke or Seme?**

Now what in the world was that doing here? The dark-haired senior opened the book. He expected paragraphs and words or maybe even a sentence to be sitting in there, however there was only one line.

**Get a pen. **

What was that? He was curious but obliged. He reached into his pants pocket and grabbed out a blue ball point pen. Only when he returned to the book, the words had disappeared. What was this book? Was it cursed?

Did the creepy guy, Nekozawa, curse it?!

This was dangerous…beyond dangerous, but before he could even put it down words appeared onto the page:

The Basics: What is your name?

He wondered really how the sentence could just appear out of nowhere. He decided that questions must be asked later and he wrote: _'Morinozuka Takashi.'_

A name appeared underneath his. 'Suoh Tamaki.'

A question mark went off in Mori's head. Did the loud and energetic blonde do this as well? If so…it must be somewhat safe.

…maybe.

Second question: To you, who is your special person?

Mori didn't have to think twice to know who it was. Of course it was his cousin. He had always watched out for the little blonde and became his caretaker. There is no doubt that no one would be able to replace him.

He smiled as he wrote down: _'Haninozuka Mitsukuni.'_

Mori watched as another name appear underneath his answer…

'Ohtori Kyouya.'

Both answers faded into the paper after that.

**1. Okay…since we figured who you are…Do you like licking things?**

Mori tapped his chin and thought. Did he really like licking things? He knew that he didn't like many things in particular. If there was food…well…he'll eat it, cus he needs food for survival. However, when it comes down to lollipops, candies, chocolate ice cream…or anything that requires him to lick things…

'_No.'_

'No.'

**2. Do you enjoy being used as a toy?**

He was never toyed around with. Mori couldn't recall being used as a toy and he couldn't remember a time when he enjoyed something. Well…the only answer that he could provide was a no, right?

'_No.'_

'I ab-so-lute-ly hate it! XO'

**3. Have you ever tied someone up?**

Mori was a gentle person. Tying up someone would mean that this person was really crazy or something like the sort. However, Mori would _never_ take a rope and tie someone up…well…he still wouldn't even if the person proved to be a threat. In his case, he'd beat the living shit out of them and BAM!

Guaranteed no movement!

But…

'_No.'_

'Oh, heavens no! I would never bind someone else's being up, besides it gives me rope burns. :3'

Mori stared. What a very immature response. Much expected by a stupid head like Tamaki, course!

**4. Have YOU ever been tied up?**

He was silent.

But he was always silent.

Okay, he was thinking hard and he scratched his raven hair. Was he tied up? Even once? Ah yes…that's right. Mori really didn't care if people tied him up, but he couldn't really remember where exactly he was tied.

Agh.

'_N/A.'_

'Why of course not! My beautiful self is too—wait…come to think of it…I HAVE been tied up!! o.o Oh my…by Kyouya of course…in fact, everyone was tied up!'

…ah. So _that's _when he was tied up. Mori made a motion to scratch off the N/A, however the words disappeared on the page before he could even do anything. Mori shrugged. After all, it wasn't going to prove as a problem to him, eh?

**5. Would you feel bothered if you took advantage of your partner?**

Mori knew…in the bottom of his heart that he would never take advantage of Honey.

…save for the time when he could blackmail him with cake and candy.

Well, those times are special!

That's because it's usually for a good cause.

'_Not really.'_

'I would never take advantage of anyone! It's just simply against my rights! Everyone deserves to play fair; playing dirty is just a no-no!'

**6. Do you like alcohol?**

Although eighteen, he never drank.

'_No.'_

'You see, it's against my policy to drink anything like alcohol! It'll make my precious skin sag, and I'm going to be fat! T-T'

**7. How do you eat your ice cream?**

Sweets never really appealed him. And ice cream was too cold for his stomach.

'_I don't eat any.'_

'I lick it and savor the wonderful taste. However, cold ice cream makes my stomach unsettled, so I avoid eating it.'

**8. What gift would you give your partner?**

If he was to give a gift to his cousin, it would be cake. Yes, cake. Cake is very important. Yes…very.

'Cake.'

'Surely, my mon ami will enjoy roses! I would give him a hoard of roses to fill up that dead room! All he has in there is a palm tree anyways! I'll add color to his room—yellow roses, red roses, pink, blue—black!'

**9. What's your ideal pet to have?**

He could fondly remember the time when that raccoon sabotaged the club. Ahh yes. He gave it his food…and then it damaged the club.

'_None, it'll break things.'_

'Dogs.'

**10. You must order at a restaurant, how do you order?**

Mori never really ate anything from a restaurant. But if he did, he would—

'_Wave the waiter over and point at anything on the menu.'_

'Patiently wait until they come over. After all! Rushing the waiters and waitresses may get them to bring the wrong dish.'

**11. The waiter/waitress brought the wrong dish to you. Your response?**

'_Stare and eat it. (After all, I did point at 'anything' on the menu.)'_

'If they brought the wrong dish, it's okay! I'll have them get the correct dish!'

**12. Someone is checking out your partner. Your course of action?**

'_Stand up, grab Mitsukuni, and leave.'_

'Kyouya needs to be acknowledged! I wouldn't care, because he'll get the attention he so very needs!'

The words faded and then the words appeared onto the page…

**13. Do you find yourself on the top or bottom? **

Mori stared at the book with blank eyes. It seemed like his mind died on him. What was this question meaning? If he tapped into his inner dirty knowledge, then would he know what it meant?

He stared at it more, as his mind started to fetch the needed information—

'_Top.'_

Durh of course.

'NOT GAY! D: FEAR MY WRATH!'

…and that answer pertained to the question…how??

Their answers disappeared only to be replaced by a large box of text.

**You…are…Morinozuka Takashi, and your lover is Haninozuka Mitsukuni. You're the really boring sort. You don't bother to do anything, and no one has the nerves to bother you, but if they do, you're very passive. You wouldn't feel any guilt when you're taking advantage of your special person, but it's probably all for something good.**

Mori stared.

**The best gift that you would give to your partner is cake, because your special person loves fluffy and cute things. As said, you are very passive and you don't care if something trivial goes amiss. If anyone dares to look at your partner, you would feel protective of your lover and immediately leave with them. **

The raccoon returned once more and was now prodding the frozen Mori.

**You don't have the potential to hold the title of a seme, since you don't **_**do**_** anything. However, your over-protectiveness is probably what tips you over to the seme side. As of now, you stand at half-half. If your partner takes the initiative and becomes seme, you would allow them to do so. You never open your mouth and complain, yet you do things that are for your partner's good.**

**You will be struck by misfortune no sooner than soon. By the way, beware of a family of raccoons. **

Mori blinked.

Beware of a family of raccoons—?

Something bit him, and Mori looked down to his hand. The little stray animal was there looking at him with such innocent eyes. However, if animal speech were added to such a realm here is what the animal's eyes would have said:

-Rememberthetimewhenyougavemeyourfood?Nowmymomanddadthinkitwaspoisonousandtoxicsonowmybrothersandsistersandgrandmaandgrandpaareheretoslugyou-

True that. The bushes rattled with such an alarming rate that even Mori was forced to be on guard (and you know he's never on guard.) And then a bunch of brown fur jumped out from the bushes all of them were hissing intently, their eyes flaring.

The raccoons jumped on him, sending the dark green book flying out of his grasp. It landed at the foot of the clock tower, where a senior would soon trip on it. The animals started to attack him.

And then his silence broke, for everyone could remember so vividly the senior who screamed 'damn.'

* * *

A/N: My imagination is running quite dry. xD Ah well...go to my profile and check out my story, okay? Jeez! Just do it, dammit!

--Until later,

--Demi-kun.


	6. Honey

A/N: ...uh...don't kill me? XD I just went on a little trip -to nowhere- and brought nothing back. Haha. I just felt so drained the past few months and I was so bored that being bored occupied me. And well...yes, I HAVE been bored with being bored, and I'm quite happy that a few people decided to pm me. XD -is so happy- I spazzed so much about it that I spent no time in sending back replies! :D Woo! And so here I am, giving all you waiting readers what you guys have been waiting for...

But sadly...it may turn out to be a disappointment since I had written this so choppily. Geh...

Disclaimer: Dun own. Unbeta'd.

-

'Uke or Seme?' the book read. And curiosity got the best of each host, and they flipped open the book to see questions sitting inside.

-

Courtesy of the person who had created the 'Are You a Seme or an Uke?' quiz on Rum and Monkey. I altered questions or have removed much, but the idea of each question belongs to the creator.

-

_-Click-_

-

A small boy wandered on the campus of the large Ouran high school. He was looking everywhere for any signs of his pink bunny. A frown was embedded onto his usually cute face, and his worried brown eyes glance around anxiously, looking for Usa-chan.

Surely, he should and must've dropped it somewhere around here…

His eyes landed on something in the distance…what was it?

A green notebook?

He tilted his head, his blonde hair swaying lightly in the breeze.

'Did someone lose that too?'

-

-

-

He inspected the notebook, thinking of finding his doll bunny later. The small senior sat on a bench underneath the clock tower, looking at the dark green notebook. Orange words were boldly printed onto the cover of the green notebook, saying: **Uke or Seme?**

Who's notebook was this, and why did it have such a weird cover? The blonde looked around, suspiciously.

…

Okay, good, no one was around.

He sneakily opened the notebook, peeking into the pages. Instead of finding a whole pageful of secretive stuff that he shouldn't be looking at, he was surprised that he found only one little thing sitting in there.

**Hello, and grab out a pen! I would like to conduct a survey. **

He immediately slammed the book closed.

Did that thing…

Just fudging talked to him?!

WAS IT EVEN POSSIBLE?!

WHAT DID THE ORANGE WORDS MEAN?! WAS IT TRYING TO TELL HIM SOMETHING?!

He breathed in slightly and held it in.

He shouldn't skip to conclusions. The boy started to slowly open the cover, looking at the neat crisp piece of paper. Instead of the bolded letters he once saw before, it was just screaming:

**Cake and candy is rewarded after this survey. BD So get out a pen and hurry!**

Music to his eyes—!

He grinned wildly, flowers suddenly popped around the area, filling the air with thick sparkling pink dust and shiny stuff. He pulled out a pen and turned back to the book. The words were gone and instead these were in their place—

The Basics: What is your name?

He didn't want to sit back and question why the hell that suddenly popped up. NAY! He'll get the cake—eat the cake—and then ask the question. He scribbled down energetically onto the lines notebook: _'Haninozuka Mitsukuni.'_

'Morinozuka Takashi.' Popped from underneath his name and Honey perked up.

"TAKASHI!"

Slowly it faded and a question mark exploded on top of Honey's head. He looked at his pen suspiciously—did it have invisible ink or what? So strange, so weird—so—so—

COOL!

_Anyways_…

Second question: Who do you consider your special person?

Honey stared at the question. His face brightened up as he remembered all the times that his special person stuck with him through all the times in his life. HE is his special person! Yes! It was no doubt--

His smile brightened. _'USA-CHAN!'_

Honey watched as another name appear underneath his beloved pink bunny…

'Haninozuka Mitsukuni.'

Honey's face slowly turned into a shade of bright pink. His cousin cared for him! Omg! Omg! SPAZZ! _SPAZZ_!!

The names disappeared slowly only to present a bolded question.

**1. Okay…since we figured who you are…Do you like licking things?**

Honey sat down and thought. He tapped his chin, pondering hard with all the things he ate. He eats cake…does that need any licking? No…he just swallows the whole thing…but…he likes candy…

…but he never really ate any…did he…?

AH!

HIS FORK!

YES.

HE LICKS HIS FORK FROM THE ICING!

A line of drool dribbled from his mouth.

Yum.

'_Yep!'_

'No.'

**2. Do you enjoy being used as a toy?**

Honey stared at the question. Ringing in his head was the words: 'toy…toy…toy…' Did he—_was_ he ever used as a toy? Toy for what? He raised his eyebrow and stared at the book. He nibbled slightly on the pen he had—

'_Nope!'_

'No.'

**3. Have you ever tied someone up?**

Honey giggled. Sure he never tied anyone up! Never! It was just too painful for him and to the person. They'll be immobilized…forever! –until someone decided to cut the ropes of course, but it wouldn't matter since he could just kick him/her where it really—

…-hem.

'_I'll never be that mean! D:'_

'No.'

**4. Have YOU ever been tied up?**

'_T—T Kyou-chan tied me up. D: …but it was fun! I FELT LIKE I WAS…FLYING! :D'_

'N/A'

**5. Would you feel bothered if you took advantage of your special person?**

Flowers buzzed around like annoying flies and Honey only grinned with a giddy face. This book was being silly! Hahaha! He couldn't just _take advantage _of his special person, now could he?

…nah, I don't think so.

'_You're being funny! How can I take advantage of Usa-chan?'_

'Not really.'

**6. Do you like alcohol?**

He made a face and remembered the time when he was curious as to what alcohol was and— well…it wasn't nice. It tasted disgusting actually…something that was so different from cakes. Cakes were sweet and yummy, alcohol was…blegh…and…bleeeeeghh.

'_DX I don't like it!'_

'No.'

**7. How do you eat your ice cream?**

Oh my…

Ohhh my.

How _DOES_ he eat his ice cream? That's right…he never paid attention. That wasn't good. Ice cream was in the category of sweets—there has to be some way he could remember how he ate one of the sweet delicacies. If he didn't know how…

…was he being ignorant of one of his favorite foods—?

Feeling the ridiculous guilt surge through his body, he wrote onto the lined paper: _'…eat it?'_

'I don't eat any.'

**8. What gift would you give your partner?**

If he was supposed to give something to his dear bunny, it would be cake…and nice tea. Yes, cake and tea is a great thing to give. Yum…he could just picture the gratefulness painted upon his bunny's face as he smash cake onto its cloth and splash tea over it—

'_Cake and tea! :D'_

'Cake.'

**9. What's your ideal pet to have?**

'_CUTE STUFF!'_

'None, it'll break things.'

**10. You must order at a restaurant, how do you order?**

Honey was rarely at restaurants…but if he was at one…

'_Point at all the desserts! ;D'_

'Wave the waiter over and point at anything on the menu.'

**11. The waiter/waitress brought the wrong dish to you. Your response?**

His jaw dropped.

'_WHUT. NO WAI. O.O'_

'Stare and eat it. (After all, I did point at 'anything' on the menu.)'

**12. Someone is checking out your partner. Your course of action?**

'_Usa-chan is cute! :D I'ma gunna fling him around for all to see! n.n'_

'Stand up, grab Mitsukuni and leave.'

Tears of joy bubbled at the corners of his eyes and he clenched his fists together, his face splashed with tints of pink. And no words or sentences could describe his giddy feeling.

**13. Do you find yourself on the top or bottom? **

Honey stared.

In all honesty and goodness to God…what the hell did it mean?

A light bulb popped up on the top of his head and he grinned a wide and accomplished smile, while scribbling carefully into the book.

'b(o.o)p _Both?'_

'Top.'

And he grinned.

He was both!

He was speshul to be able to choose such a thing!

**You…are…Haninozuka Mitsukuni, and your lover is…**

…**hell, it's not even a person.**

"LIES!"

**You're really innocent but also very sick in the head. (Who'd love a stuff bunny anyways?)**

At this point, Honey's eyes twitched.

**You always take the positive sides of things and even if it's bad, you'd think it's good. You…never in your life have taken advantage of…-cough-…a stuff bunny, because…it's just impossible to do so. The best gift that you would give to your partner is the contents of a tea party, because your 'stuffed' bunny just loves being thrown into the washing machine after each round of cake and tea thrown to its face. **

**You're shocked if you don't get what you want. And if anyone stares at your stuff bunny, you would promote such staring in the means of flinging your partner in the air.**

The senior was staring, his emotions hidden by the pale yellow bangs.

**You don't really have the diagnosis of a seme nor an uke. But both, since at times you let the bunny take control of the situations and at other times you act as if you're the speaker for the two.**

Crickets chirped, and the spinning pink flowers stopped whirling.

**You will be struck by misfortune no sooner than soon. By the way, beware of piles of shit. **

He gasped.

Did the book just say…?!

Say…

Say…

_SHIT_?

IT SWORE.

Honey twitched as he slammed the book closed. His brown eyes wide with disbelief that such an innocent green book would say such foul language! Couldn't there have been any alternatives…like…

…crap?

He shook his head, clearing his head of such thoughts. There weren't any so called…'shit' on the campus of Ouran! It was clean! It was pretty and well kept by the poorly paid janitors! In other words, there shouldn't be a piece of idle brown crap on the floor…

There _shouldn't_.

Honey stood from where he sat and tucked the green notebook underneath his arm. That's right, he had to keep looking for Usa-chan…

And then it clicked.

Cake and candy was rewarded after he did the survey! Where was it? Just where?

He continued his search, searching for any signs of the pink little bunny. There was no doubt that he had left Usa-chan accidentally somewhere! He looked around, eyes concernedly scanning the area for the vibrant hue.

Suddenly pink flashed near the trees.

"Usa-chan!" he exclaimed, his face lighting up as he spotted his stuffed animal dangling from one of the branches by a foot. "Don't worry, Usa-chan! I'll get you down!" And Honey began to race towards it, without any regards to the roots jutting up on the ground.

His brown orbs were set on one thing and that was his bunny…

…whom he loved so dearly.

"This book said that it's going to give us cake! Let's eat cake afterwards!" He shouted to the doll, while holding the green notebook high up in the air. "And enjoy—"

His dress shoes caught on a root.

"AH!"

Splat.

And he immediately recovered, his face caked with…

…well _you know_…

And when he brushed the stinking material out of his eyes, he saw a familiar pink rabbit, who had also fallen into disgusting crap.

And. He. Freaked.

"_EEEE!!" _

The green notebook, however, was crud-free, after being thrown out of his hands and onto the grounds underneath the tree. Its book pages flipped open as the wind brushed through it, and as it landed on the final page:

**THE CAKE WAS A LIE! BD **

-

-

-

A/N: JUST IF ANYONE WAS WONDERING WHAT THE HELL: p(o.o)b is...it's a thumbs down and a thumbs up. XD Or a bottom or a top. SO IN A UNIQUE WAY HE EXPRESSES THAT HE'S BOTH!

NOW STOP TEASING ME!! ;--; -nah, jk, jk-

Hope you liked it! XD And if you feel that I need to update something feel free to poke me through Pm. I feel moar motivated that way. B3 -lazy bum-

-Demi-kun


	7. Haruhi

A/N: It has been taking a whole while since I've been busy with some things, getting distracted with things, but...here it is, very short, very lame, totally not a good ending for this parody fic. But wells...every fic needs an ending whether it's one that ends with a smash or one that disappoints everyone.

I'd like to tell this to everyone: Do not expect anything from me.

There are times where I produce good things, and some times not so noble things. Just **don't expect anything good or bad from me**. Okay, sure, look at one of my works! I WOW'ed you there for a moment. Well. It's just a moment. A _fluke_.

Thanks for listening. n.n And now I give you the installment of the last chapter for Uke or Seme.

Disclaimer: Dun own, beta'd by JustPassingBy.

-

'Uke or Seme?' the book read. And curiosity got the best of each host, and they flipped open the book to see questions sitting inside.

-

Courtesy of the person who had created the 'Are You a Seme or an Uke?' quiz on Rum and Monkey. I altered questions or have removed much, but the idea of each question belongs to the creator.

-

_-Click-_

-

A brunette had suddenly opened the doors to the host club. To her surprise…no one was there?

She blinked.

That was nonsense.

That was _weird_.

No one…was here?

A paper ball rolled by and she stared at the spider webs that randomly appeared in the corners of the pink room.

…

Omfg.

This meant…

Haruhi gasped as her face was filled with the lightest splash of pink.

This meant…

_It meant…!!_

A fields of flowers appeared behind her, and the world turned all shiny and pretty with little flying birdies.

_FREEDOM_!

She basked in the bliss for a second, but later down it died since the author realized that she was heading off to a parody with this kind of approach.

So Fujioka Haruhi, the only one left in the host club (she has yet to know that she is), walked out from the third music room and strolled down to the courtyard, at last happy that she was off for a day.

It was a beautiful, peaceful, and quiet day…something that she had never once had since she joined the annoying host club.

She sat down on a particular rustling tree, and inhaled the fresh breeze (by the way, do you think she realized that there were piles of shit lying here and there laid so carefully onto the ground so that a certain Haninozuka would fall into it?)

As she placed her book bag to the side of her, she noticed a dark green notebook with the brightly and boldly inscribed letters of: **The Truth of the Host Club**.

Which was quite odd since the color combination of forest green and orange was so atrocious (but that doesn't matter now, does it?)

Maybe someone from the fangirl committee had dropped their notebook here and forgot to pick it up. It sounded a lot like something that would be in the newspaper...

Maybe it was from the Newspaper Committee?

The least the commoner could do was flip it open and see who it belonged to. However what caught her eye was the ugly chicken scratch writing that appeared in it.

No.

Enough of the neatly printed text…

The chicken scratch was so ugly and almost unbearable to read. But Haruhi read it anyways, eyes scanning over the lined paper.

**A shocking revelation was discovered today as this book was passed around the host club members. Each of them had spilled what their hearts had truly held and it has led to such a shocking discovery****.**

**Yes…**

**It is in fact, so true, that the Host Club is 100 percent gay. **

**They lust after each other! One is even bold enough to love an inanimate object!**

**Now that is weird but hot at the same time!**

Haruhi stared.

…uhm…okay?

Going on…

**Hitachiin Kaoru, the uke of the twin's forbidden relationship, had stated—he even said it once, twice, and thrice:**

**_I'm like…totally gay, and my partner is love is my brother, Hikaru. You know, he's like…like…_this_ tall and like totally hot. I like playing with him, since he's like…totally so hot. Bondages are like so effective. I like…take advantage of Hikaru, and I don't feel guilty! _**

**_Did I mention how hot he is?! He looks like me too!_**

**_So that means I'm hot!_**

**_And like…do you know what this means?_**

**_I'm hot. He's hot. It's like: Hotness all around! –insert mad giggle-_**

**_Omigod, like—like if someone flirts with him, I'll unleash my bitch power to max. 100 and blow them to bits. HE'S MINE, BITCHES._**

She stared. A sweat drop on her head.

…how…peculiarly odd…?

**A clear warning that we are to stay away from ever trying to flirt with the man named Hitachiin Hikaru. And the older twin, partner in crime of this forbidden love, when interviewed he supplied the answer of:**

_**Fuck off.**_

**But when we asked him once again, he graciously supplied us with this critical answer that further supported our theory and term that suddenly arose: Hitachiincest.**

_**I'm awesome! I'm gay with my bro! He's so cute it makes me growl with pleasure. Bondages…are yummy, especially when you use those stretchables candy rope thingies. Kaoru –heart- Hikaru FOREVAH! I LOVE HIM! HE'S MY SOUL! I THINK WE SMUT SEVEN DAYS A WEEK. –wink, wink, nudge, nudge- **_

Haruhi stared some more.

**The forbidden love between a man and a stuffed plushie was discovered just recently. Day and night Haninozuka Mitsukuni tends to his bunny rabbit, Usa-chan, once sighted to be making out with it! In fact with this relationship between an inanimate object, we can see his loyalty to the plush bunny.**

**Oh how woeful he is. Its unrequited love I say! **_**Unrequited**_** love! **

**And on the other side of the pancake, a tall and quiet Morinozuka Takashi had talked of his deep hurts, as he knew about his cousin's love for the inanimate object. He was literally on his knees, his eyes blotted out with overflowing tears when we asked him about his feelings of Haninozuka: **

_**I have always watched over him. Such a frail figure needs a strong man such as me to keep together. I watch silently, demons in my mind whisper how I could not hold him in my arms for he loves another. A stuffed bunny. **_

_**A stuffed bunny holds the keys to his heart!**_

_**My pride broken!**_

_**My dignity SHATTERED**_**!**

**He murdered a colony of ants after that. And that is his story…so noble, so right, but yet so sad. He would never be free! Never be free from his never ending love plight.**

Her face remained blank but eyes were growing wider.

**Ohtori Kyouya, the vice president of the club, holds strong feelings for Suoh Tamaki, however his love is one that you will never encounter. Toys, bondages, and many other harsh treatments, he wouldn't even hesitate to torture Tamaki until he screams and until his lungs give out. Ever wonder why Suoh Tamaki cowers under his purple energy?**

**That is why.**

**Punishment is his best weapon. His answer when we asked him what methods of making Suoh Tamaki cry worked best, he said:**

_**He's a masochist at heart, so I can bust out the whips and fluffy pink hand cuffs.**_

Her face became pale.

**Suoh Tamaki have avoided us all day when we chased him down for an interview. It was so obvious, by the bandages that he had, that he was severely punished by Ohtori Kyouya. It was of no doubt at all! When we asked him what was up with his limping, he blushed and ran away.**

**We had to sic our best sprinters on him.**

**Poor guy.**

**We trapped him near the girl's restroom. **

**When we have persuaded him, with Ohtori Kyouya's help, he meekly answered, his voice full of stutters. However he had blabbered too quickly for us to be able to understand. **

**And that is the latest scoop of Ouran! **

She stared, snapping the book of chicken scratch close.

Omigod.

_Omigod._

How could she have not known? It was so obvious…it was so _clear_ since the very beginning! (Though when did Kaoru ever speak like that?)

But who cares. She should've been paying more attention to those very well and hidden signs…

Haruhi was fooled by their 'We're all Friends!' cover.

No…they weren't friends…in fact they were…_g-g-g-gay_!

Why was she making a huge deal out of this?!

She paused and looked at the book cover. Quite confused about how she should be feeling at the moment.

…Right, she was just overreacting a minute ago.

'…if they're all gay with each other…I guess I'll give up on Tamaki-sempai and let them be happy…'

And she suddenly felt a sense of responsibility as the makeshift 'mother' of the club.

'…ah…young love…'

-

-

-Meanwhile…_with Kaoru._

He grumbled as he, with difficulty, staggered up the red carpeted stairs with heavy cardboard boxes held by his throbbings arms. Bandages were wrapped all over his arms and neck, even his head was bandaged with a fair amount. It wasn't fair that he was discharged from a hospital with such poor treatment.

He was a rich bastard!

A _RICH_ ONE.

He should have gotten state of the art hospitalization! Not just some random crap strung over his head and stuff.

Instead of returning to the comforts of his home, he was sent to a mental institute to do some testing on his mental capacity. Because of course, it _wasn't_ his nature to be screaming such beautiful language that could make the banana peel cry.

Another damn inanimate object…

He reached the top step of the stairs. He was there…finally there at the third music room! FINALLY.

And what the hell was with these overly heavy boxes?

He ripped it open and stared in it.

Sandbags…

_SANDBAGS_?

And he carried it…

All two hundred pounds of the useless thing. Wasted effort—_WASTED_!

He chucked it over the stairs, ignoring the "THWAM" that it made when it hit the bottom.

Kaoru marched to the pink double doors and kicked it open, grunting in pain that the cardboard boxes gave him.

Surprisingly…no one was there. He walked to one of the couches that were pulled out from the back rooms and sat down on it, careful not to hit any of his injuries.

-

-

-Meanwhile…_with Hikaru._

He had broken his arm on the mad drive through the metal carts. A few ribs were bruised, but nonetheless he was alright. And unlike Kaoru, he was smart enough to ignore the boxes that said: "For the Host Club".

He had a broken arm.

Why the fuck should he carry it?

The Hitachiin journeyed up the flight of elaborate stairs, wincing each time he took a step.

His rib was hurting.

How walking up the steps and how it hurts his ribs don't need to link, but he winced anyways because his side hurt. Anyways, he finally reached up the stairs, the Host Club doors looking pretty battered up.

Hikaru stared at the door with a blank face—

He kicked it open again, the door slammed back with equal amount of force and he let out a large yelp.

Now everyone would be wondering _why_ Hikaru was there, especially after he was taped down by belts and diagnosed as a mentally ill. But he was there nonetheless, swearing underneath his breath as he gave Kaoru a silent greeting.

He plopped down next to the couch, eyes twitching as the pain shot up his side.

"Fuck it hurts."

"…"

"…shit…"

"…ditto."

-

-

-Meanwhile…_with Kyouya._

_Thunk._

_Thunk._

Damn his cast.

Damn the scratches that blemished his once perfect skin. It used to be milky, oh so smooth and soft! But now it had ugly cuts and blemishes in them.

_Thunk._

Kyouya glared at the overly large and perhaps unnecessary white thing that was occupying a huge portion of his leg. Crutches weren't doing anything but hurting his delicate armpit, and damn God, there's _stairs_ now?

His glasses were replaced with yet another cheap pair and he made his way slowly to the stairs…

Only to realize that there were cardboard boxes obstructing his pathway.

Remembering slightly of what the book had warned of him, he cursed at it and proceeded to shove his large clunky cast into it.

_Thunk._

_Thunk._

Damn, and the freaking box wouldn't move.

He was suffering mental and technical difficulties here!

Kyouya growled under his breath, he didn't want to undergo any physical stresses especially after he smashed into lots of glass instruments. (Smooth going, genius.)

Kyouya being Ohtori Kyouya whipped out his cell phone, and smartly spoke into it: "Tachibana, come here and dispose of these annoying obstructions from my path."

-

-

-Meanwhile…_with Tamaki._

Being run over by toddlers was not a good experience. He had tire marks all over him, and what's worse was that he had been lying out on the ground for almost a good portion of the day. He had been taped up by the good School Nurse, however his clothes were stained with dirt and tire tracks.

The blonde tiredly walked up the steps (Kyouya had long struggled up.) and he felt his legs go weak midway.

That is right.

His legs were run over too.

It was so painful…

HE COULD STILL FEEL THE PAIN—ahem…

Anyways the blonde went into the Host Club room, his eyes inspecting each of the member's injuries. Hikaru, who snuck in occasional swears, loudly said:

"…man, we look like shit."

Tamaki, taking offense to the word, glumly said, "…horrible you mean."

-

-

-Meanwhile…_with Mori. _

He loved nature.

Mori really did!

He really, _really_ did!

But just knowing one of his animal friends have launched a whole family against him…_hurt_. It was like…betrayal. He glumly walked up the stair steps to the host club.

Of course he carried no rabies.

He had gone to the doctor previously and had received multiple of shots, why he had gotten it even if he wasn't affected was...unknown but he had received shots. After that, they used the band-aids that they had, and very, _very_ soon…

Mori was covered with rainbows and flowers and all things pretty. (Dammit, it's not stickers, it's band-aids, people.) He even had a bow-tied stub called a _ponytail_— 'For medical purposes, Morinozuka-san.'

He opened the host club door, and all those who were inside stared at him oddly.

Why in the world was he covered with bright things?

"…they're band-aids."

They fell silent.

One of them opened his mouth—

"For medical purposes."

And that's all the explanation the twins and president and vice had to hear as they returned back to their work of sitting down in glum silence. Of course no one wanted to breathe a word about what had happened to them.

It was so odd…everyone one of them was hurt…

They only wondered what had happened with their senior friend, Honey, and their beloved commoner, Haruhi.

-

-

-Meanwhile…_with Honey._

He stunk.

That was no opinion, it was pure fact. Honey was bawling his eyes out as he trudged towards the room with great heaviness bearing on his heart.

Usa-chan was dirtied as well, its face caked with smelly dog poo, and it was hanging, soaked to the cotton plush with feces, from Honey's hand. He was also covered with it, though he had managed to wash some away at the bathroom.

However, Honey was not defeated by that.

He was still in shock by the big fat lie that the book had told him.

HOW DARE IT LIE TO HIM!

Honey kicked open the door to the club, too under the weather to bound in happily and said that he had accidentally fell in the piles of dog excretion.

Well.

Everyone could tell what the heck happened to Honey, but they didn't blatantly ask what the hell stunk or who the hell is stinking up our air. They decided to save themselves from Honey's mad rage as he stiffly walked close to his sidekick and sat down.

He turned empty eyes at the silent senior, and of course, didn't have the heart to say it looked pretty on him.

And tense silence followed.

-

-

_-And when Haruhi came…_

The door opened and last came the unharmed, undisturbed, very normal female that dressed up as a male in the Host Club.

In her hands, bold and clear, everyone could see—

The dark green, orange book—

There was silence as the hosts stared at the book like savage beasts. She was staring at them, blinking at the injuries. "Oh…you guys are—"

"_AHH—HH!" _

She blinked. "Uh…guys?"

"GAAAH!!"

_-The next ten or so lines are filled mainly with the context of a scream and random swears, so: ten minutes later-_

Haruhi looked at her watch and tapped her foot, while the insane and loud half of the club caught their breath. "Done now?"

Obviously…no, they weren't.

After gaining back their sanity, one jabbed at the book and screamed: "DROP THAT BOOK!"

"IT'S THE BOOK AGAIN!"

"HARU-CHAN. GIVE. ME. THAT. THING!"

"IT'S BACK! IT'S BACK!"

"…It's alright, I'm okay. You don't need to hide it from me anymore. In fact, I've very happy you became this way. You have my congratulations—"

"WHY IS MY DAUGHTER SPOUTING SUCH WORDS?! IS SHE HAPPY TO SEE US INJURED?!"

Suddenly the club launched themselves at Haruhi, tangling into a messy mess, while trying to grab for the green notebook that had oh so conveniently corrupted their lives.

"H-Hey!"

"HARUHI! THAT THING IS POTENT!"

"It's what--"

"POISONOUS, HARUHI! IT DESTROYED OUR BRAIN CELLS."

"What?!"

Amongst the chaos, confusion, and savage behavior, the book flew out from Haruhi's hands and slid through the large passageway where the creepy door of the Black Magic club appeared—

And they still wandered around screaming, sort of, at a very confused Haruhi to hand over the book which she no longer was holding.

-

-

-In the black magic club…

"…"

Silence.

"What's this?"

More Silence.

"I sense evil in this thing."

…

"…evil…"

Tumbleweed.

"It's…_evil_…"

"Berezeneff, do you know what this means?!"

The cloth called Berezeneff made a cloth sound.

"…IT'S OUR _SAVIOR_!"

-

-

-

A/N: ...yeah. That's it. Yeup. Whatever. -shrugs and walks off-

Oh yeah, please visit Shine! XD I CHANGED IT'S LAYOUT. OMG. I worked my arse off that thing (not really). But I'd like for moar members plz. OwO;

And since I got rid of one of these long term fics--

_I'M FREE!_ -prances away into the sunset-

And until next time,

Demi-kun.


End file.
